Black and white thinking is the illusion that you can either have A or B. A is true or B is true. I’m either a good person or a rich person. I’m either an attentive parent or a successful business woman. I am either on a diet or off a diet.

The misunderstanding that we must be one thing or another thing is what keeps us stuck in mediocrity. Disempowered and held down.

I’ve struggled with this many times. Going from one extreme of a scenario to another. It showed up a lot in my past with dieting. I would get upset by a fat roll or when I counted an extra cellulite spot and frown at my body, stating “That’s it. Time to diet.”. This would propel me into frenzied action of whatever the latest diet trend was: use fitness pal to eat < 1200 calories, snack on pickles, skip breakfast, drink a smoothie, try a 5-day juice cleanse. And once I ran out of steam from taking things to the extreme, my willpower would fizzle out and I’d reach for the oreos and cereal box again in defeat.

My irrational small mind took this as a sign that I had failed, the diet was over, and it was now okay to binge on whatever I wanted. Several times when I knew a diet was starting, I’d go all out the few days before, eating all the things I knew I was about to restrict myself from having. I had to get my ‘fix’ before I cut cold turkey.

Black and white thinking can show up in any area including your relationship with food, money, work, romance, friendship, alcohol & drugs. And If you’ve experienced this before or are in this place right now, I want you to know that there is a way out.

There’s a simple truth that can help you break this disillusionment. The both - and. This concept simply implies that more than one thing can be true at the same time.

In my case - I had to learn that I can eat a dessert tonight AND still practice healthy habits most of the time. I am healthy, beautiful AND have cellulite.

So how do you teach your mind to actually believe this to be true?

1. Start at the source

1. Where did this programming come from?

2. Where did you learn that you could be this or that but not both?

3. What’s the deeper wound here?

In my story, I was modeling what I saw in typical diet culture both in and out of my home. I was practicing a scarcity mindset. My dad used to hide cookies and chips from us as kids but all that made me want to do was find them, and eat as much as I could before I got caught because I knew that they would get taken away. Turns out I was replaying that same story with my own diet habits. I was “taking away” the “bad” food, so I would hurry and eat as much as I could before the diet started.

2. Start to disassemble this belief

This is where you do the deep work of subconscious reprogramming, reparenting yourself, surrender, feel into the emotions you need to feel - grief, anger, sadness. Allow your internal guidance system to give you whatever you need to get a healing from the story you've been misled to believe as truth.

What this looks like for me is going into meditation and allowing my subconscious to show me where the block is. I start asking questions and patiently wait for my intuition to bring me answers. I spend a lot of time with the parts of me who hold the limiting stories - my inner child, my inner teenager are the two that pop up most often. And I allow the higher vibration parts of me which include my highest Self, God, my angels, the highest versions of my parents to give the wounded parts what they need. And as I replay the stories in my head, giving myself everything I need to restore balance internally, the healing begins.

Maybe that sounds like a weird process to you or just plain confusing. And that’s okay! I didn’t know how to do this work either at first. But the more time I spent with it, the more natural it became. It can be really helpful to get a therapist or coach to help you with this part of the process.

3. Look for evidence that the both-and is true.

You can find this evidence in times that you’ve demonstrated the both-and in the past, or other people in your life who demonstrate it well - including looking to social media, books, movies, and famous figures who do it well. The brain is constantly searching for evidence to affirm our beliefs - so if we want to believe something new, giving our brain plenty of evidence for its truth is a quick way for it to become real to your nervous system.

The next time you notice black and white thinking, remind yourself of the both-and principle. Go through these 3 steps and witness the transformation as you attract what you want into your life.

Anything is possible.

You just have to believe it to your core. The shame, pain, and fear have to be processed and released. If you want to supercharge things, get support around your both-and as you are shedding the either-or.

You are beautiful AND flawed. Independently powerful AND need help, too.

My deepest love,

Thalia - your coach, empowering you to take up space