From the time I was a young girl, I was conditioned to do what I was told. I imagine growing up in a military household contributed to this, but it’s also fair to say that this is the general conditioning of society.

The old way of ‘children are meant to be seen, not heard’.

This societal expectation paired with the fawning response coping mechanism I developed as a means for psychological survival have lead to ways of being I adapted such as:

💭 If I just follow the rules, no one will hurt me.

💭 If I just make everyone happy, then they’ll like me.

💭 If I do what others expect of me, then I’ll be accepted.

If..then. If..then. If…then.

Unconsciously, in my own mind I had created these conditions around safety, love, and belonging. All of it became conditional which meant that I didn’t believe that I deserved safety, love, and belonging just for being me. I thought I only earned those things when I behaved in certain ways.

It was a lonely and anguished way to feel. And I found myself acting out because I didn’t know how else to express that anger and rejection.

Can you relate to any of that?

It isn’t wrong or bad to do this. In fact, it’s the only way most of us know how to live. Until we awaken and learn a more effective way of being.

The more I deepen my own personal practice and coach others on these topics, one thing in particular has become apparent to me.

It is better to serve, than to please.

What do I mean by this?

My mentor once told me “Pleasing is weak. Love is powerful.” That sentence alone was enough to pull me out of the desire to please others. And I’ve started to see that as long as the intention in my heart is love, then things that I would normally avoid such as pushing back, saying ‘no’, having difficult conversations… I’d be willing to do because all of it is service.

For all of you who are driven by a will to be of service, listen closely because this concept will change your life.

Eventually, you’ll see that being a “people-pleaser” doesn’t actually get you any closer to what you really want - safety, love, acceptance. It’s simply a cheap imitation of those things. But that doesn’t mean you should judge yourself for buying into the belief.

Again, I’ll remind you that it was a protection mechanism for you in one way or another. And I encourage you to sit with the pattern for a moment and just start to ask it some questions around that. “How were you trying to keep me safe?”

Seeing it for what it is without judgment is the first step in learning a more effective approach to love others and more importantly, yourself.

My hope for any people-pleasers reading this right now is that one, you can learn to dis-identify with that label. You aren’t a people-pleaser. You just tend to use people-pleasing patterns. Two, that you can learn how to hold this pattern lightly without judging it. And three, learn a new way of being that gives you what you really want.

If you found this little nugget helpful and want to break up with people-pleasing, I’d love to help you do just that.

Apply to my signature 12-week coaching program - The Integrated Self Program, to do this and more!

All my love,

Dr. Thalia